Let’s talk about diagnosis

Why does it matter how we speak about AD/HD?  Or anxiety or depression or, <Insert Given diagnosis>?

The reason is that a person cannot BE ADHD.A person cannot BE ANXIETY. A person cannot BE DEPRESSION. I would even caution us about saying someone “is neurodivergent.” How about, saying, instead, their brain is neurodivergent?

This is the part where I get into the weeds, and play the semantics game.  

A person cannot BE a diagnosis.

But how did we get here? Why do we talk like this? We do it because it is faster to say, or we’ve heard others say it like that. 

To say that a person has an AD/HD diagnosis, or <insert given diagnosis here> can be accurate. 

The person themself, cannot embody the diagnosis, but they can “have” a diagnosis that was given to them by a medical professional. 

This wording of having a disorder isn't exclusive to ADHD. It is phrasing that applies to any diagnosis. A diagnosis is not a person. A person can have a diagnosis. This is a very important distinction

You may think this is a silly lesson in grammar, as you tell me that you are long done with grammar school.

But I do want to get in your head a bit, and I DO want to correct you, and anyone else who is walking around saying that they “are ADHD.”

Why Does this Matter?

When we say a person has a diagnosis, we are not labeling, or boxing in a person to the label.

This use of the word “with” is a game changer, and if we are going to play the game, let’s win it! Let’s win at the semantic game. Go ahead and re-humanize, and try it out. Try it on yourself too, if you’ve “been ADHD.”

Give yourself a positive, and accurate reappraisal that you and all humans deserve.

So, let’s start here, today. With using “have.”

The next post I will share is “Eight Ways “With” Packs a Powerful Impact.”

Take the Time to use more words because people matter

I read a book lately that I enjoyed for many reasons. It had before and after pics that let me see the differences! It told me how to do things!

All those things were great, but, overwhelmingly what stood out to me was the title, there was no question of its intended audience. The book was for “People with ADHD.” Awesome, clarity in the title, no fuzziness there. 

But that also stood out to me for another reason. Why did it stand out to me? I noticed the words. I saw the language. 

Our choice of words, our language,  and how we talk about things, makes a difference.  

Let’s Teleport Back in Time…

It took me back to my grad school days. Those were a fair bit of time ago, since I was a spring chicken in grad school. I went there as a young pup straight out of college. 

Studying mental health, and developing my ear for how to talk ABOUT mental health was something I was learning. I notice HOW people talked about diagnoses. I frequently heard people say, “I’m ADHD.” Or “my son is ADHD.” 

In my work with people with anxiety, all the time, I hear, “I’m anxious.” 

And the list goes on.

Recently a teen said, “I am dyslexic."

“I am depressed.”

“I’m bipolar.”

“My parent is bipolar.” 

“I’m neurodivergent.” 

They are neurodivergent. 

When I hear that, I cringe. Can you guess why? 

It’s because I’m a grammar nerd with a degree in psychology. 

As a Midwestern-socialized- to- be- too- polite female I usually listened and let them carry on. I didn’t usually point out the errors. But sometimes I did, especially if I had a relationship with the person who said it, or if I was feeling extra assertive/confident that day. 

I regret that I often let it slide, even though my intuition was yelling inside me, teach them the way!

I am sorry for the times that I didn’t speak up sooner and louder as an advocate, because it would have been helpful.

But since my brain is older than 25, I can reflect on my behavior and choices more. And if you, dear reader, are also older than 25, you can as well.

Not to discourage the younger reader, I see you too! Your brain will follow the same path. Look forward to when you get to overthink and rethink things that you once were confident about.

As I, and we, become aware of something, we notice that we have gained new insight. We can now reflect on the impact of our actions. After this reflection, we can evaluate our approach. 

We may decide to try a different approach. 

Now, in reading these examples, you may feel called out, but I want to call you in, to a different way. 

Here’s an alternative way. 

What happens when we say this instead?

I have an AD/HD diagnosis. 

My child has an AD/HD diagnosis. 

I have been diagnosed with dyslexia. 

I have anxious thoughts. 

I feel depressed. 

I have a neurodivergent brain. 

why does it matter, i Don’t have time to use MORE words

Because, you, and your son, and your friend, and people, ARE NOT their diagnosis. They are people, who may, along the way, been appointed with a diagnosis. 

You would never say, “I’m Covid.” “I am Influenza A.” “I am eczema.” “I’m strained back”. “I am “broken leg.“

Yet somewhere along the lines we became our mental health diagnosis, and this over

identification with labels we’ve been given by health professionals isn’t serving any of us. 

Slowing down

Today I made steel cut oats and it DID NOT BOIL OVER AND MAKE A MESS!

What happened in the past? Did it leave a crusty mess on the burner and the pot? Why, yes it did.

But…

Today I practiced s l o w i n g d o w n.

It takes time to make the oats so I let my hair air dry while they cooked.

I still multi tasked but I did it differently, I did frequent check ins on the simmering pot, and offered the pot frequent stirs. I put away a few things at a time, instead of the whole bag of things.

Oftentimes we do the same task, the same way, and hope it goes better. Sometimes, fortunately for us, it does. Other times, if we give a little bit more reflection to the task, would we call that pre-flection? it can have a little bit better outcome.

Is there something you can S. L. O. W. Down With today? Is there room for some pre-flection?


Even my keyboard wants to race. Race to punctuate. Race to capitalize.

We are pushing against culture that races, when we slow down. That push may improve your outcomes. Will you slow down with one thing and try it out?

hashtag#adlerian hashtag#courage hashtag#slowproductivity

courage to be imperfect

Today my Backdoor Counseling Blog goes live. Again.

I have spent hours & weeks, writing, and tightening up my writing. 

THIS post is no reflection of that effort.  

This post instead,  is making something happen. 

It is creating. 

It is risking. 

Welcome to a space for learning and imperfection and works in progress. 

Welcome to a space that will also have good writing, excellent writing, and in progress writing all rounded up together in the same place. 

There will be the sharing of info shared by research & science, and reflections. 

May it bring encouragement, inspiration, and camaraderie of community to you, wherever you are. This means you Barbara, Kelly, Jenn, Kimberly, Jo, Anya, Isabella, Rebekka, Constance, Tara, Wes, Jerry & Marilyn, Eva, Calvin, Hallie, Bob Bartholow...and all of you who either know you contributed to this- or are just finding out here about your impact!

Welcome to Backdoor Counseling! 

*in alignment with the content on this first post, my keyboard has decided to have a mind of its own, and it is capitalizing willy-nilly. In the interest of posting- i have let fixing it slide. I'm sorry for all you grammar nerds who are balking. I'm right there with you, balking, too.

why the name?

Counseling + Tools & Skills

is about using the best approach that is personalized to you. The backdoor approach is about asking questions in a way that leads to insight, reflection and clarification, not in a way that is judgy or critical.

It is also about more than feelings. It is about thoughts, actions, and how you show up in the world.

I find that a backdoor approach is really the way into the front door - the front door that helps you move forward from familiar, stuck places.

I do this through approaching thinking- by thinking about thinking- and asking questions that dig deep into why THIS challenge is so very challenging.

If you enjoy reflection and growing in self awareness to care for your best self, you may be a great fit for Backdoor Counseling.

IF you are a creative, we will tap into art therapy skills, if you are a reader or writer we will engage that modality.

If you saw a movie- even if I didn’t see the same movie- we can use metaphors from that flick to help you experience a healthier you, yes, I’ve done this and it has created results.

Backdoor Counseling is where I show up to help you be the best you that you can, by teaching you the skills that you haven’t learned yet.

In our work together I teach about the brain to help you understand what it is doing, and teach you the skills to tackle what feels untacklable.

Your stories, dreams and daydreams also speak volumes about yourself, and how you view yourself, others and the world.